I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think i have two assholes
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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