There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
