I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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