I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
