i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize