They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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