you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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