just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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