can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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