My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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