omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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