I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
