i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
