Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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