Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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