Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
