Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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