A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
