You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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