I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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