I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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