if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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