Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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