I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
