don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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