My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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