I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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