I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
