It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
