I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
