i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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