I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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