Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
