You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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