In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
