tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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