I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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