I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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