i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Princesses don't give blow jobs
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
