i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
