tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
