My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
