I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
