Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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