i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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