....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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