I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
