so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
