i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hippo gnu deer
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
