I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
