I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
