I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
