I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
