just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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