just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Randomize
