Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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